is your mom at the bar?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Quick, to the slutcave!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
