I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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