I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
