I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
