i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
