I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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