mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
