I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
