and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
