Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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