i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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