Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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