We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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