ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
