There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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