Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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