i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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