He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
