where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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