Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
