Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
