I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's rum buckets o'clock
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
