you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
