just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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