she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
