My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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