Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
