Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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