I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
