Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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