I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
