Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
