My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
