I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
