Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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