Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
