I just made out with a guy for $7.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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