you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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