i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
