The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Randomize
