She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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