Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hippo gnu deer
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
