Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
