If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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