My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
