My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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