Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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