Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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