Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
