we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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