I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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