i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
