do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
