is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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