Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
